Something's been grinding into me lately. The things that I long to do i fail to get done. Not sure whether it's procrastination or giving up. I know what Paul meant in Romans 7:15.
Guess it happens to everyone from time to time - like Shrek forgetting to slay the dragon (small detail) - but the duration that i've allowed this to run loose in my life is beyond my estimation. Literally.
Felt like withdrawing to the short-term escape of sleep when i got home today. As I lay there, I found myself asking God a bunch of questions (read all of my previous posts if you want an idea of what's been on my mind - old things that keep coming back to haunt me). I already knew all of the answers; I asked not to get the answer, but to hear it. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I couldn't answer my questions after all.
What slapped me like a two-by-four was my last question: Why can't i do these things? I waited. I know now that I had actually received all the answers to the previous questions as I was asking them; a thought in my mind that satisfied my groans just enough for me to move on to the next question.
But now there was a pause. The rhythm of the answers was disrupted. I wondered if an answer would come. Why can't i get the good things that I want to do done? Why is it that, every time i come home, i'm overwhelmed by fatigue and just fall asleep? Why do i not have the drive to keep pushing? Why am i like a soldier who is trying to form a testudo of shields against arrows coming from every side, but fails because he's by himself? Why can't i do those things?
"Do it."
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